?

Log in

jessamy nicole procrastination ross

Recent Entries

You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.

18th October 2008

10:12pm: WELFARE STATE
so, jobhunting is a bitch.

I completely ran out of cashola, so have been forced into spending my jobhunting time searching for part time jobs to support my jobhunting time. it's some kind of chaotic wheel of ultimate drain-ed-ness, but some day the centre of gravity will shift and I will be hurtled into some kind of job nirvana.

I just want to translate my ridiculously expensive university degreeS into my 50k a year... DAMMIT.

Then I realised, why look for a casual job to support job hunting when I COULD GO ON THE DOLE!?!?! REVELATION!

thus on monday, I am heading down to centrelink to make a deal with the devil. I have a part-time job interview on tuesday, which I should hopefully land (i mean, it's retail, right?), but at least I will be able to tell the grandchildren that I was on welfare (albeit for one day!!).

THe good thing about going on the dole is that they send you to employment agencies. hopefully this should improve my prospects (although Sarina Russo lady did say my resume was quite excellent with its super-formatting &c).

So, now I play the waiting game.

awww the waiting game sucks, let's play hungry hungry hippos!!

However, that being said, it's not like I'm spending my days languishing on the couch (although there is a Jessamy sized indent on the green velveteen number in the lounge room). I'm currently rehearsing 2 short plays for bugfest, for the musical SUDS with starlight theatre co-op and fo 3 completely random duvets moments. I'm also completing my Body Attack training... I've been shadowing 3 classes a week (and attending 3more) for the 3 weeks since I completed the insane-death-training-weekend-from-hell and taught a whole half-class for the first time today (up from teaching 2 tracks from the 11 working tracks last week). It's amazing the level of fitness required to be a group fitness instructor (ESP in BodyAttack)... It's a whole new world of pain! (but the best kind of pain)

soon, I'll be up for the whole thing and THEN i can start gettin paid for all that sweat!


ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah
Current Mood: amused

31st August 2008

11:50am: serenade
sometimes little things happen that just brighten your day..

I just got seranaded (ridiculously) by a customer whose friend was buying abook from me.

seranade consisted of smashing on the piano and singing "jessamy" in an atonal (and often high pitched fashion).

it was crazy and embarassing, but it's amazing how much random acts of strangers can lift your spirits.

18th August 2008

11:50pm: take-away travel plans
So, I am randomly throwing off the Brisbane monotony and taking a jaunt to SE Asia to drink beer lao and float down a river in an innertube.

I leave the night my current show finishes on a red-eye to bangkok. There I meet my mysterious travel buddy (who shall remain nameless) and we will meander overland, adventuring all the way on a shoe-string for 15 days. We will stand in ancient places, cycle through rice-paddies and drink rice whisky with the locals in the villiages we pass through.

I'm so excited I might just pass out- I leave in just under 3 weeks. I decided to go today. It feels liberating to just pack up and leave.

my family term this liberation as "irresponsiblitiy". do I look bothered?

I'll have to work out every day though, with my Les Mills training at the end of September- I gotta be able to NAIL those triceps pushups!!

11th August 2008

11:50am: with the bad comes the good
oh fortuitous life!

Sometimes things just turn up roses! After a day of lying paralitic on my couch in mild hysterics over the death of my little green car (or, more accurately the expense of buying a new one) it seems that things have worked themselves out.

The main reason for my extreme reaction to the departure of little 256-CZK was that it appeared my financial position would be wrecked for months to come, ruining my plans of travel and potentially preventing me from doing the LMAP course. 

WELL, on wednesday, after over-dramatising the situation in a facebook note, I recieved messages from THREE people offering cars on the cheap. A guy I went to primary school said he'd let me have his for $500- good deal. Sweet, thought I, I've found another cheap bomb for driving around the place.

Not so. I went and picked up the car yesterday to get it checked dout at the mechanics and umm.. the car is deluxe. It's a 1990 toyota Cressida (the car that eventually morphed into the Lexus brand). It has electric windows, a SUNROOF, deluxe everthing and VELOUR upholstry. VELOUR!!!! and it looks schmick. It is a BIG CAR.

I'm so so so excited - it's an awesome car (apparently they cost around $45000 in 1990) and I love it! Plus at $500, I'm not heading for financial ruin and it will be easy for me to get back on track!

I am getting a roadworthy certificate for it tomorrow so we can switch the rego into my name, then as of wednesday I have a new car!

convenient, because I'm member of the moment at the gym and I need a car to park in the special reserved car park!

5th August 2008

7:31pm: double drain
so today my car died. it was completely out of the blue.. i was driving to the ashgrove gym and the engine just siezed. 2 hours later I finally got home.

This is extremely bad. engines seizing generally means death of the car - and i just can't afford a new car! I just can't!! I finally got out of debt and was planning to travel and do the LMAP & GEL courses in september (ie. to become a bodyattack instructor) and also do the 12 week challenge. goddamnit i was just enjoying being debt free.

and now my financial woes have begun all over again.

I got home and my family have been completely rude to me about the whole thing- acting as if its my fault and that I shouldn't have spent my tax return money blah blah blah being an instructor was stupid anyway blah blah blah as I was sitting on the couch sobbing. God I hate them sometimes. so fucking unsupportive of everything I do, whether it's my choices or in times of crisis.. i just wanted to drive away but, funny that, i now no longer have a car...

how the hell do i get to the physio in the morning?!?! I had so many errands to run and so much to achieve and now i'm just beside myself.

DRAIN

12th May 2008

6:20pm:

I am obsessed with Aerobics. Who would have ever thought it? 

Body Attack and Spin Class are the highlights of my days... and on the non-aerobics days, I run Mt Coot-tha then head to the gym to do weights. This obsession has gained momentum really quickly- it's scary really. It's not hard to get out of bed at 5:40 in the cold anymore. 

Gig on the 24th of May... It's coming along- theres some sweet choreo happening (we got george canham in). We're not overly organised, but the duvets are not ones to over-prepare, that's for sure.

2 exams to go and I'm free of uni forever (but i'm so coming back to do post-grad- i've got a killer thesis topic brewing away- hello mass carnivalisation of society = diminishment of the human experience and the loss of the "2nd life" of the people)...  blah - time to go get a delicious subway... mmm... mayonaise

31st July 2007

10:34pm: dating dilemma
ok, so I'm keen to go dating.

not with a particular view to relationships.. but just to meet cool boys and have exciting dates (sex at the city style- meaning that it's not an indicator of "i really like you" to agree to a first date- which i currently feel it is in Brisvegas).

but the question is... where do I meet these interesting boys/men that are worthy of preliminary dating/maybe relationships?

Currently I'm at a loss.

Its rare to meet someone out on the town drinking that would be an excellent date (at least for me). There are too many young'uns, too many boozers, too many undesirables. I would like to meet someone with similar interests to me and a kinda similar life plan and you just don't seem to meet these people out (or have the ability to weed them out of a crowd of boozers and unsuitables). the probability is low. It also seems that when hammered, many men deveolp a one track mind, only hitting on the sexiest of ladies and then kinda with a view to a random hook up. I don't really get approached that much when out, except by the very drunk- I mean, I'm not an ugly freak but I'm no uber godess either. Don't get me wrong.. i know this is not true of all guys but, as i said earlier, the probability of meeting a really genuine excellent guy is fairly low. you'd have to be going out quite often to increase your chances- and i prefer a good old house party to the monstrosity of a 3am cab line in the valley!

ok, so where elsse are there guys?

Uni is no longer really a viable option... i would say that only 15% of undergraduates are my age or older at this stage, and its rare to be in a tute these days with one of them- especially a hot one! although I am looking for someone with a university education.. not because i'm a snob but because that is my life path, and i would like someone with similar goals and a similar interest in learning as me.

and then there's theatre.. I'm sure there are many hot eligible actors out there.. but I've never really been in a show with someone who i would like to date... and even then it seems that alot of them are taken- and when at parties that include the wider theatre community (eg the one i went to on sat night) i always feel like most of them are taken slash I am not worthy.

I mean, I could go speed dating- but i think most of the people who do that would have a view to a long-term relationship.. and i don't know.. i'm scared of actively seeking that...

then there's the internet.. but that is just a big total NO..

and i've met most of my friend's friends and although i have had crushes on some of them, those ones never seem to like me back.

....

ok so i just re-read that and maybe i'm jsut too picky.. I guess that I just have seen so many friends just seemingly fall into relationships, that it just kind of 'happens' and i'm waiting for that too.. but it just seems to be a long freaking wait.. i feel i would like to be going out on dates and the like now, not waiting around for someting to happen.

perhaps i should be mroe open to the people i meet- but i don't know, I guess it all comes from a genuine distrust of men and their motives. even when i meet a boy that I kinda like, I guess I don't reciprocate enough..

who knows.. I think he worst thing you can do is go searching though, It's supposed to happen when you least expect it.. but ive been wating around for that to happen for like, 10 years and ive only had like 6 boys in that time, the longest lasting for 2 months (and i spent a month trying to run away from him because he annoyed me).

ugh... draining

if you have any suggestions of how to solve this dilemma.. you shoudl tell me! i mean, i'm not a bad person right? there should be at least a couple of people out there who are interested in me? hopfully?

7th July 2007

5:11pm: ..
my phone got stolen from my bag at lunch today. it was uninsured.

when i found out i went running around crazyily trying to find it. consequently i put my drink in my bag without screwing the lid on properly.

it leaked all through my bag and destroyed everything- including my ipod.

all I can say is that the FUCKING universe owes me BIG TIME.

29th June 2007

4:59pm: stuff and things
ok well it's ages since ive written.. i guess i havn't really gotten round to it.

we found out on monday that our little cat had been hit by a car on friday night. he was a most excellent cat... more like a dog in the sense that he was really truly loving. He was 8 and had been the head of our family for that time. really, he was the thing that brought us all togehter. everyone is really depressed- especially mum- and we were all hysterical on monday and tuesday. but it will be ok- although he will be missed dearly for years to come

it was interesting to see how people reacted to my grief. most were very caring and gave me the time i needed. I dont' really like being publicly consoled, i'd rather cry alone and people in general were very sympathetic. SOme people just kind of avoided talking to me at rehearsal. I mean, that's fine.. its hard to know what to say sometimes. SOme people (2) steamrollered my explanation of the story of my cat's death with their own, slightly relevant anecdotes. this is a typical response from both of these people (one of whom is my manager at work) and just confirms to me why i regard them as socially inept. when someone is sad... you LISTEN.. its the only time you have to do it.. and these two didn't. but i didn't mind or anything.. i just found it interestiing. 

---

there has been a little debacle with the process musical given the recent condemnation of the cement box.. first it was in teh box, then briefly in the schonell and now its back safely in the box but on a dealyed schedule. PHEW! 

I have a cold which is uncomfortable but i spent the day in bed and it was GLORIOUS! i hate being at home and not being out and aabout as a general rule.. but it did make a nice change!!

process musical is going well. matt is some kind of musical genius.. really.. just unbelievable. YOU NEED TO START RECORDING REHEARSALS MATT!! BRING YOUR LAPTOP.

i was meant to start singing lessons with leisa this week but im too sick.. so next week maybe? i think i am still improving despite not having a teacher currently.. i do sing alot in my spare time.

what else is new? OH it was a very excellent weekend. on friday night I did something.. i can't rememebr what.. then saturday was jackie'sbirthday (on ice) which was marvelous and then on sunday hannah and I had a CRAZY time at the RE snow party.

over the weekend it seems that hannah, cat and amy all managed to find/cement boyfriends. it was so exciting. Cat says now we have to find a man for me.. but I don't know.. I don't really want one THAT much that i would enlist people to help me find them. I do need to get out and about and meet new people, though. but shmeh im quite happy on my own... mostly.

i am also currently reading "the god delusion" by richard Dawkins. it's BRILLIANT. i can't be boehterd to write about it now but he is such a brilliant and well read man. im really thinking about 'coming out' (to use dawkins's terminology) as an atheist. i'll write an entry about it when i finish the book (3 chapters to go!!!) 

7th June 2007

1:31pm:

i have 10 pimples... i have regressed to a teenage state!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

4th June 2007

11:58pm: i fail at the cold read... 

worst. ever.

its annoying because i normally rule at the cold read. damnation.
5:18pm: SUNDAY
heya all!

i realised that its about this time a year ago i started my LJ. one of my first entries is me going on about process musical 06, and how i was nervous about casting. hahah i feel the same way now, only different, but the same.. but different.

but this year i don't really think its an apporpriate forum to talk about how scared i am abouth whether or not i get a role. it's not really the most pressing thing that came out of yesterday's initial rehearsal. 

I'm so so excited to be at the beginning of something that is going to be absolutely amazing. i can't believe what a good show it's going to be! i can't believe that everyone can sing.. i cant believe there are so many shit hot voices in one show- in a show that didn't  even list auditions in an open forum. 

its clear we know some tallented people! 

the music is simply breathtaking! I had already heard the opening song (and I already know that Matt has songwriting ability that is absolutely boundless), but hearing a room full of people belting it out.. i got shivers. there is a great energy in the cast and the team of creatives could not be stronger. the script was phenomenal- I am so amazed that it came from the brains of 3 people that I know so well. I'm so proud of you guys! so so so so proud... i'm proud to know you (my fav amw5c moment). 

I feel that this show will be the start of something for a lot of people.. it will be a launching pad for their respective journies.. and i'm excited to see where they go. I guess that's the thing about getting older... we are now all finally moving towards things- real things- our lives. out of the confusion and general mess of university, lines are being drawn and routes are being mapped. 

I wonder what the final destinations will be? 

I wonder what will become of me?

22nd May 2007

3:36pm: what has idina done??? she's a nutcase!! pop/rock defying gravity??

not cool....NEVER cool
 http://www.idinamenzel.com/
Current Mood: perplexed

21st May 2007

7:58pm: haha geebon=me
hahah i made a music myspace!

hahahahaha WHY!?!?!

i would have tried to record something nice for it.. but my voice is currently on holiday...

its quite embarasssing - if you want a redface and nervous laugher go there

http://www.myspace.com/jessamyisnotreallyverygood
12:17pm: crazy sunday!
wow! what an intense and whilrwind style day I had yesterday!!!

First off, I had my 5 year highschool re-union up at Stuartholme. It started with mass in the school chapel at 11... That was very difficult for me as I could clearly see 35 people that I wanted to talk to but had to remain reverent and behave in a church suitable fashion. I was clearly the naughtiest girl in class.. most others seemed to have reached the level of maturity where they could stand still for more than half an hour- but not me!

i was fiddling and whispering and eating my hymn sheet and making faces. AND i forgot all the words. embarassing!

Then we had lunch/many beverages. It was great to catch up with everyone again- but i must say that there were a few people that I was just not interested in talking to in the slightest. some of those girls are SOOOO boring- they're excited about going on to lead normal lives--> getting married having kids being receptionists.. or whatever. 6 girls are engaged, 2 have kids. I'm not even a quarter in that headspace yet! I  can't imagine the thought of settling down when life is only just beginnning!!!

and some girls have turned into their beige mothers - BORING!

I was very proud of my group/extended group. we are clearly the most interesting people (of course- there were a few others that were also interesting- you are very interesting steph and i'm very glad I got a chance to catch up!!). 

Hannah is working with GQ magazine and doing styling for shop to you drop and freelance work with oyster. Helena is on national tour with Missy Higgins. I've done 7 shows in the past year and am getting serious about performance. Siobhan has had her short film developed and financed. Sophia (who wasn't there) is an artist/graphic designer.

Jane's group(my extended) are also very interesting (potential olympians, african jungle vetrenarians) and I'm glad I clearly had the taste to pick interesting people to be friends with at school.

anyway the afternoon was a boozy one and stories were shared. I had to go early to join Josh an Julianne's goingaway party at Roma St parklands. A large proportion of Witches of Eastwick were there and it was fun to hang out in the park and eat cupcakes on a sunny afternoon. 

After that, I went to the REgatta to where the Stuartholme girls (well, those who like to party) were still drinking. Its official that I love abbey and jacinta. I picked up a slightly wreckful hannah and we drove through maccas and went back to her house where we chilled out and stop revived and survived for an hour.

THen bec came round and we went to the Missy Higgins concert (FOR FREE) to see our very good friend helena play cello. She was excellent! I am so proud of her! missy was very awesome - she's a wonderful performer and although her voice is quite strange, she is a fantastic singier and very exciting to watch. After the show, we went backstage and met the band and missy, then hung out in the green room for a hour or so. Missy was nice but softly spoken, so I really didn't know what to say to her.

We jammed with the band on an antique wurlitzer electronic piano that just happened to be out the back, and drank free booze and diet-cokes. I played rainbow connection - it was a HIT! I could just TELL missy was impressed (although i don't think she was looking). WE did a really awesome rendition of 'fly me to the moon' and I had a bit of a bust out (although I was embarrassed) and the keys player was actually impressed. hooray for bustouts! they played a crazy 1piano 4 hands rendition of "A-train"- I have a new found respect for crazy jazz.

I was meant to then drive out to daisy hill/logan to visit Julianne's house where people from the park were kiciking on.. but it was too late and they are lazy and were going to sleep.

so wow- what a DAY! I saw and spoke to probably about 70 people that I know and love. social mania!

tonight is the last monday-night coffee. emotional.

I'm off to Uni to plan for my sales call! EEEEEEK!

toodles
Current Mood: social

12th May 2007

9:11pm: bah

well, today is a good day!

i'm currently half-way through cleaning my room (i'm copying all my cd's onto my computer) and I don't know- i feel like i'm ready to work!

I made a long list at workk today of the things I have to do in the next year- I hope i can achieve them all.

we had a reading of 'Con's Spire" today - it was so awesome to get to read toni again!! and I remember all the lines! AMAZING! it was so awesome to see the cast again for a re-union, and we filled out our application for the melbourne fringe festival. apparently errol has also submitted a revised version of the play to a bbc radio play competition in the UK.. so maybe my voice will soon be gracing the airwaves of the mother country?

Errol aso asked me if i was interested in doing the publicity for Emerge project in the second half of the year. and i'm totally up for it!  hell yes!!!

I have discovered I can sing exactly like britney spears. I'm confused and upset. that is not a good thing! hahaha

this week i have actually been trying to practice my singing (which is strange), but for the first time i don't have to worry avbout losing my voice every week with witches! yay for car/shower singalongs!

btw i knokw i havn't filled out those thingos for those who replied to my post yet- but I will do it!!!

x

Current Mood: cleaning

10th May 2007

10:12pm: that thing with the stuff and questions and you know
my new favourite song is 'i will follow' by jason robert brown and sung by Lauren Kennedy (original Cathy in L5Y)
go to his website and download it now!!! its very nice and has random yodelly moments towards the end (which may or maynot be jrb singing)

anyway.. the real reason of my post is this a la the journals of gats-pie, jeremiah and jackiechan.

Comment and I will:
1.) Tell you why I added you to my FL.
2.) Associate you with a song / film.
3.) Provide a random fact about you.
4.) Share a first memory about you.
5.) Associate you with a character / pairing.
6.) Ask you something I've always wanted to know about you.
7.) Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
8.) In retort, you must post this in your LJ.
Current Mood: behind on study

30th April 2007

10:37pm: I have run out of conversation in my daily life.... and i built a pyramid out of cooking chocolate!!!

I have hit a new high point in my life!!!

I'm feeling a bit more motivated today.. i've been doing a bit of research for my assignment due next monday (i've written off the one i didn't do last week.. fresh begining and all).

hopefully things will come together- although I will be beside myself on the weekend with witches finishing and all.

speaking of witches, i don't think any of you have come to see it yet!!! it's a really fun show and you really should- i'll be really sad if you don't!

wed-thurs-fri-sat nights- just rock up at the schonell. and write me a letter to give to the box office so i can have special things to put in my dressing room!

24th April 2007

12:25am: what's the motivation for this scene?
ok so brace for emotional moment

well.. i had an assignment due today.. didn't get it done.. wont have it done tomorrow.. will hand in on thursday.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

i sit down and try to write the damn thing... but i can't! 

I've never had this problem before.. ive completely lost interest in studying. I used to care about doing well in my business subjects at uni but i just don't give a damn any more. ( i still care about drama though- yay poco)

this is sooo soo out of character. I mean, it's not like I'm depressed or anything (which is why a lot of people lose motivation)- im actually really happy (as per usual) but i HAVE lost any semblance of motivation I ever had. I am simply not motivated ...and this scares me because if I don't get motivated then I'm never going to achieve anything in life!

everyone seems to have a plan for what they want to do.. even if its a mere twinkling in the eye (if such a thing exists). People are travelling, planning, achieving, doing stuff- and im just sitting here, doing the same uni crap ive been doing for four years and not planning anything.

I think what I really want to do is be an actor. but that is a fairly stupid thing to want to be and for some reason I just can't persue it actively. i think it comes from my family motto of 'if you don't try you can't fail'. I hate that motto- but it's been ingrained in me by my silly introverted family. BAH HUMBUG. I just imagine all the people standing around like.. oh she want's to be an actor but shes crap bitch bitch bitch

what i should do is get an agent. but that is soooo stupid and I wouldnt' say that to people because they'd be like RIIGHT (well thats what my family said). i said i need to get some headshots done (ive been using a myspace style self photo-which is actually an ok photo) and my family laugh at me. I'm sure other people would laugh at me too.. i feel like im not really good enough do warrant one and i wouldn't want people to think i'm getting ahead of myself.

but i think to succeed, that's what you've got to do.. you've got to put yourself out there. THE SECRET/RULE OF ATTRACTION STYLE. but i just can't.

i have also realised that im really intimidated by people who are better than me - or 'actors' or 'singers'- at first, at least until they talk to me first. I just don't know what to say to them- why would they want to waste their time talking to someone less good? i have this problem with a few people in Witches.. its not that i don't like them or that i think they don't like me I just can't find things to say to them because i don't feel that i'm very important in the scheme of things.

I think I want to be a really good singer.. but i'm not and i don't know if I could be. everytime i think i'm getting better, I'll just suck for a bit and lose confidence, i'll sing with people around and sound bad or people won't say anything.. its ANNOYING ANNOYING ANNOYING. i would just like to be good. why does this not happen! grrrr

so plan of action - I NEED TO WORK OUT WHAT IM GOING TO DO! i'm kinda just floating in freefall at the moment and I need something concrete to hold on to

1. plan of action- find some sort of goal/plan for now and when i finish uni
2. a callendar and some organinsation in my life (ie getting assignments done, not letting people down)
3. reply to all texts and emails straight away
4. not watch foxtel anymore
5. get up at the first alarm ring in the morning - NO MORE SNOOZE ALARM!!
6. pay bills when they come in
7. be proactive and FIND A FREAKING CAR TO BUY
8. find some sort of agent moment
9. tidy and organise my room.. i mean its tidy-ish now but its all over the place
10. not miss any more uni

ok so there's my little rant.. I'm off to bed because I'm so unmotivated I can't do anything- but tomorrow I WILL NOT SNOOZE ALARM!!!
Current Mood: unmotivated

12th April 2007

2:11pm: the changing of the seasons has a ridiculously large effect on me... I think it just brings back a flood of memories through sensory perception... memories of when the light last looked like that, memories of the cold, memories of the smells of autumn...

this makes me really excited and i want to 
a) go to parties in the cool winter twilight 
b) go to a paddock party with a bonfire! 
c) go to the ekka and ride carnival rides
d) get all dressed up and go to the races
e) put on my sass&bide jacket- which brings back memories in itself
            i) getting really shitfaced and spewing 
            ii) ekka (again)
            iii) memories of going out 3 years ago.. when it was more exciting 
            iv)night time dates 
            v) Brookfield show!!!! homg!!
 
f) and for some reason this whole season changing thing makes me want a boyfriend

it would be nice to have someone that you could just hug and not feel that *ok let's stop hugging now its getting weird* moment. this is where the changing of the seasons leads me... I don't NEED anyone (im a femminist bitch) but i mean, it would be nice.

upon coffee-ing with my dear friend sophia on top of mt cootha yesterday arvo... i have worked out my stupid boyfriend criteria.. how incredibly sad... it's not like i sat down and drew up a list.. this is just what i think is important and i thought i'd share because im sad and pathetic like that

there are some things that are just not negotiable.... without these things i can't be attracted to someone
1. extroverted/sense of humour
2. taller than me
3. very smart
4. non-emotional

I need extroversion.. I am an extrovert and i feel why my previous relationships are shit is because the boys were too introverted.. it made me feel like the main player... they put me on some kind of pedestal (i hate being put on a pedistal- im just a person). If i was seeing a lovely exciting extroverted fellowt, I'm sure would feel far less like "the jessamy show" plus "interested observer" that it has felt like when I date an introvert (the jessamy show is clearly annoying and draining). this also sounds really weird and im sorry if im sharing too much.. but for me to feel sexual chemistry with someone.. I need to feel that they could slap me up a bit (my inner feminist screams NO!) but its true.. submissivness just doesn't do it for me. they also have to be able to keep up a humerous banter/witty repartee.

I would like a lovely man to be taller than me.. i just can't abide by shortness.. it makes me feel very uncomfortable- although i am a feminist i must admit that there is something to be said for some aspects of gender roles- i don't want to be protected, but it would be nice to feel that if need be, a guy would be phisically big enough to do that protecting role.. i don't want to feel like i could beat him in a fight or that im the big bopper of the relationship. i want to be the little spoon awwww

I think its really important that they are intelligent- both emotionally and academically. I don't want them to be smarter than me.. or challenge me but they really need to be interested in life and learning and the world around them. I have so many random facts to share and opinions/ideas to discuss and if they don't have the faculties to do it then that kills basically all conversation i could have with them. 

the emotional intelligence thing leads into point 4- NON EMOTNIONAL.. this doesn't mean caveman-esque.. it just means without all those stupid hang ups that some boys come with... i am not a clingy person and i can't handle it when people cling. I dont like it when boys call me up and say "oh i havn't seen you to day i miss you blah blah blah crap". I'm quite aloof and it takes me a while in relationships to get to that level.. some people move way to fast with their emotional attachments and its just too hard for me.

ok so that's pretty much the only criteria that I have... extroverted & funny, tall, non-emotional and smart

there are a few other things that would be very nice (althouhg not necessary)...
1. snappy dresser with nice hair
2. nice face 
3. big hands and feet (i just don't trust boys with smaller hands than me.. there's something wrong there)
4. interesting hobbies (just something interesting and non-beige)
5. an interest in theatre and the arts
6. likes nature and animals

do you think these things that i like in boys are too much? i mean.. i just need those 4 things (plus a slight degree of handsomeness)... what are the 4 things that you like the most in a potential lovely fellow?

what a retarded rant... DAMN YOU CHANGING SEASONS.. DAMNNNNNN YOUUUUUUU!
Current Mood: lovey

2nd April 2007

11:24am: things i did today
today's list of crap

1. wake up with feeling of impending doom

2. lie in bed from 4:30 (when woken by alarm) until 6:15 wallowing in the said impending doom

3. get up and and go to the bathroom. lie down in the shower and feel impending doom wash over the body.

4. print off practice midsemester exam test answers from the internet (just the answers- no time for questions in a 1 hour cram)

5. begin studying at 7AM

6. sit 40% midsemester exam for financial management at 8AM. at this point, all previous doom and gloom feelings are apexed by an almighty cosmic terror.

7. do surprisingly well in said exam.. watch doom and gloom float away in fluffy black cloudlets

8. walk home from uni

9. check garage where the poor little shit mobile is currently in residence... it'll be back tomorrow afternoon! JOY OF JOYS!

10. climb a tree in the cemetary and hide there for no particular reason

11. dance crazily in the cemetary to crazy ipod music

12. come home, eat 3 orange slice biscuits and sit down at the computer after having successfully wagged all classes for the day

technically im supposed to be at uni right now.. until 3 pm.. im missing 5 solid hours of classes but i don't care. I came home to sleep! but now I'm here, it seems that I am not at all tired. I really really really should spend this time tidying my filthy room (i saw a baby mouse in here last night) but that is a complete effort. I would love to spend the day catching up with all the friends I didn't see yesterday (WHICH WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!) but i appear to have lost my voice (again) and need to rest it for rehearsal tonight.

so i think im going to just spend the day downloading episodes of futurama and family guy and researching stuff for no reason on wikipedia... i'm reading about urochordates currrently... its very exciting!! I hope to get through to lancelets and lampreys today.. oh the jawless hagfish!! grow some vertabrae you losers and join a better subphylum!

SO, yesterday was my birthday! I am now officially 22! oh woe! I actually had quite a lovely day.. I had witches of eastwick rehearsals from 8:30am-10pm. It was good because I got to spend the whole day with friends, singing and dancing and listening to the band be absolutley awesome! that made me very very happy. I'm such a freak.

I also got a lovely cupcake from Cat and James, a birthday badge from becky and a fairy bread party pack from julieanne- the gift that keeps on giving. THere are now 100's and 1000's all over the floor of the schonell.. but shhhhh

I was a bit emotional in the morning.. mum gave me a card of aries.. and it had all these negative attributes of aries. anyway we were going through them and wondering what my rising sign was because, although i have many negative qualities, I'm not really much of an aries. HOwever, according to my mother, on the card, the words 'self indulgent' and 'self obsessed' describe me perfectly. now for whatever reason (probably because i was being insulted on my birthday)  that REALLY pissed me off. I am in no way self indulgend or self obsessed- all i want to do in life is make other people happy- I don't really care about me- i'm going to be happy anyway. her saying that negates pretty much my whole life and the person that i try to be. 

my mother and my sister seem to have this belief that I am a bad person. I'm some kind of show-off bitch who doesn't give a shit about anyone. It really really upsets me because your mother in particular shouldn't think this about you, especially when it is COMPLETELY unfounded- she's just making sense of the world through binary oppositions - I am extroverted and they are introverted, therefore whatever my mother and sister happen to be- i am dialetically opposed. therefore they are good people and I am a bad person- they are self loathing and I am self obsessed. ORIENTALISM GO TO HELL(also postcolonial drama can go to hell- as if i just created the above sentance and used orientalism theory in my daily life CURSE YOU)!!!.

ITS REALLY REALLY ANNOYING and so I had a teary and got emotional..

stupid family.. I'm clearly not a show off.. I can safely say this because I behave even more strangely when there is no one around to watch me.

BOO HOO HOO EMO TEARS EMO TEARS OF PAIN

today is going to be the best becuause I am going to SLEEEEEEP!

also dear gatsby, matt and jackie- do you know WHO was at rehearsal last night absolutley randomly and for no apparent reason!??!?! 

FETUS FACE!!!


no one mourns the fetus...
 

30th March 2007

12:14am: met a cute boy! propositioned me for sex. not my style.

however.. still very awesome

28th March 2007

12:34am:

my god. emotion moments. not so good for meeee.. my brain hurts.

it is 12:34 am and i am procrastinating from doing the fusion posters.... too many posters.. too little timeeeee.

yesterday the seasons changed. it was so amazing. i love that moment when you realise- and you feel that little twinkle of winter that you havn't felt for so long.. and its new.. and its exciting! i think you notice it the most at twilight- it's like the lighting state of the world has changed. the sky is pastel and the shadows are darker in contrast.

i'm obsessed with twilight.. when i go on runs, i spend my 45 minutes just looking at the colours.. does that make me a freak? 

clearly yes.

i am quite happy despite impending doom of postermania. tonight was emotion moments at witches of eastwick. it was draining but very nice. i'm so so so bad at telling people how i feel about them. It seems I can talk with anyone about anything EXCEPT my relationship with that individual. I have many theories about it.. but if you think about it- I have never sat down with people and had d&m's about 'us'. with my friends or with people i've been dating (perhaps thats why i fail so badly at relationships- that and the boys that like me are just generally retarded).

so it's quite affronting and hard for me.. but i think its a good thing. also james dobinson is the best (if you're reading this james, then you suck for indulging this emo moment- go get your own live journal and cry your own emo tears/mariah carey breakdowns) and he is also my idol. i didnt' say all the things i wanted to/should have say but im not emotional. baby steps for jess.

in other general news...

Last night I had a terrible NIGHTMARE!!!! normally i quite enjoy nightmares when they are scary but this one was really bad because it was horrible. I dreamed i was on a train and there were terrorists jumping around on the tracks in bright gypsy clothes. i thought i should get out of the way but i didn't and the train expolded and i was killed. so then i was a ghost. i had some time to go around and talk to people, but i couldn't communicate with them very well/they didn't really seem to care that much that i was dead. it was just paralyzingly sad for some reason.. i was crying the whole dream.. not like 'boo hoo' cry but like that painful cry of grief.. like i was mourning my own death. this went on and on and it actually hurt. i woke up at the wrong end of my bed with tears streaming down my face.

i can pretty much work out exactly why i dreamed that... angst paranoia do people hate me etc crap.

god im so retarded. stupid paranoid brain.. i'll go back to killing you with alcohol 

I WANT A DRINK! BAH!

woot ok well enough bullshit procrastination.. im going to posterise the town

26th March 2007

1:13am: and then there were 3

its poster time at 1.13 am...




woot 1 down, 3 to go!

but the 3 are much simpler, and almost finished. but oh pain! tomorrow (or more accurately today) i will leave the house at 7:30 am and not return home until 10:30pm.

damn you early morning lectures and witches of eastwick rehearsals! *shakes fist*

Current Mood: caffinated

23rd March 2007

10:09pm: a) or b)
out of interest.. which of the following posters is better?





OR





maybe its just me or is not the first one kind of ok and cool and the second one just very very VERY CRAP and unprofessional?

yet.. apparently the 2nd one will be the poster.. but its possibly the worst work ive ever done, and ugly and just terrible (i'm embarassed to be assoicated with it personally *shame*)

i'm confused.
Current Mood: confused
Powered by LiveJournal.com